


lonely

by ShipperTrash140109



Category: Dunkirk (2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Songfic, Unhappy Ending, happy alex/tommy? not in this house, relationship angst, theyre just really neat when theyre sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:26:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23891548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShipperTrash140109/pseuds/ShipperTrash140109
Summary: Alex had never truly had to worry about being lonely- about the gnawing feeling of needing someone to be near, someone to talk to and think about and laugh with- seemingly since day one he’d had all he’d ever need for companionship in the short, skinny, dark-haired boy called Tommy. When Alex had been sad, happy, angry, there was always Tommy.
Relationships: Alex/Tommy (Dunkirk)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	lonely

**Author's Note:**

> okay so, first of all this is based off of To Be So Lonely by Harry Styles, highly recommend!  
> secondly! the lyrics in _italics_ is from Tommy's point of view, and those underlined are from Alex's point of view  
> did i get a theme going with idioms and then never use one again? yes, they're hard to find, and what about it?

Don't blame me for fallin'  
I was just a little boy

Alex had never truly had to worry about being lonely- about the gnawing feeling of needing someone to be near, someone to talk to and think about and laugh with- seemingly since day one he’d had all he’d ever need for companionship in the short, skinny, dark-haired boy called Tommy. When Alex had been sad, happy, angry, there was always Tommy, who’d roll his eyes or ruffle Alex’s hair to forgive all of the world’s evils. When Alex had broken up with his first girlfriend, Tommy had been there to tell him ‘it was only a couple weeks, mate, you’ve been without showers for longer than that.’ When Alex got braces and couldn’t eat, could barely talk without sobbing in agony Tommy had been there to laugh at him and offer him a drink from his frozen water bottle. When Alex fell off his bike and broke his arm at the skatepark, Tommy was there to sit with him and hold him against his chest until the ambulance arrived, even though the brunet’s tears drenched his shirt and the unnatural jut of his bone under his skin made even Alex feel sick. Looking back, every memory Alex had ever made seemed to have Tommy somewhere in some capacity, it was no shock that he hadn’t been able to keep his heart from going and getting attached, from barking up the wrong tree and messing everything up.

The teen years are always hard, but they were near impossible when he had to worry about the thudding of his heart in his chest every time he looked at that gangly bugger for too long. He couldn’t blame himself- he’d been young and emotional and looking for someone- anyone- to validate those strange feelings churning in his head and his heart- falling for Tommy had been difficult for more than a few reasons. He was young and in love and stupid, so stupid.

Don't blame the drunk caller  
Wasn't ready for it all

When Tommy had called it all off- had thrown in the towel, waved the white flag, reached the final straw- Alex had for the first time in his life felt a hollow loneliness fill his chest. They’d been just friends for sixteen years, and all it had taken was a year of awkward flirting and then two years of dating to tear it all down, to end it all for Tommy and Alex.

Like all poorly adjusted, spoilt boys he’d gone to numbness for help, told it to take away the bite from the aching hole in his chest. He told it to coddle him and make him forget, but doing deals with the devil are never a good idea, and like all stupid, desperate people he’d called him- had called and sobbed and _talked-_ he’d spilled his beans, he’d let the cat out of the bag, he’d given the game away- and Tommy had let him, a final kindness to the twitching, moribund mess of what had been the best relationship with anyone Alex had ever had.

Alex hadn’t been ready for it, he’d never so much as lost anyone more important than his pet goldfish from when he was six and couldn’t make it live more than a month, and all of a sudden he’d been blindsided by the crushing loss of a best friend and a boyfriend- he’d like to think maybe if they’d lasted that bit longer, a few more months maybe, then he could’ve handled it, could’ve enjoyed it while it lasted, but he knew that was a bald-faced lie- you could never truly be ready for something like that.

You can't blame me, darling  
Not even a little bit

He struggled to let go of Tommy- he struggled to not text him, not call him, not send him something on Instagram that Alex thought he would enjoy. It felt as if he was having to completely restructure his life around Tommy’s absence. They still saw each other when there were other mutual friends to keep the awkwardness at bay, but Alex was spending more time alone than not. Tommy couldn’t blame him for wanting to be around him, relationship or not he’d always enjoyed his company- and that’s what made their separation even more painful.

I was away  
And I'm just an arrogant son of a bitch  
Who can't admit when he's sorry

It was distance that got to them in the end, Alex just knows it, even the strongest of relationships fracture under the strain of distance. Alex grew too busy with his own life to make an effort to stay in Tommy’s, it had been a busy time for both of them, but they’d been keeping in contact until they weren’t. They’d gone from hanging out six hours a day at school and then a couple hours after school to studying in different places and working different jobs and being adults in different neighbourhoods. Alex should’ve seen it coming- seen the breakup coming, that is- he hadn’t been a good friend, let alone a good boyfriend, but even knowing that, he’d said some nasty things, blamed Tommy a lot for not making an effort- for _letting_ it happen. Whenever their relationship comes up it’s always the same, deflecting, dodging, _defending,_ and then when all that fails, he bites, he attacks, he _offends_ , and maybe Tommy should’ve learnt to stop asking, maybe Alex should’ve learnt to face the truth.

It's almost funny how much he misses Tommy despite seeing him about as much as he had towards the end of their relationship.

_Don't call me "baby" again  
You got your reasons_

Tommy’s come to expect it- the ringing in the evenings, the name on his screen begging to be let in, the low, heavy voice filling the quietness of his room, sometimes marred by drink, most times not. Alex knew he did it- knew it made Tommy grimace- he called Tommy ‘baby’ like nothing had ever happened- like they were still the sweet childhood best friends turned boyfriends. He’d apologise after but Tommy could tell he wasn’t sorry, that he was too blinded by how it comforted him to consider how it discomforted Tommy. They skirted around the lack of apologies and lack of closure as much as they could, but the whole reason Alex even called _was_ the said lack of closure, and not talking about it just made Tommy think about it and then the other man would call him baby and everything would come crashing down around him- everything Tommy had tried to move on from. It makes him remember that the day he broke up with Alex, he lost more than just a boyfriend, and facing that makes Tommy feel sick to the stomach, not even trying his best to move on could dull that sort of blade.

_I know that you're tryna be friends  
I know you mean it_

They both wanted everything to be normal, they both wanted what they’d had before everything went wrong. Alex wanted them to be friendly again, wanted them to hang out and buy each other lunch and see movies in the cinema together, but they both knew it would never be that way again. Tommy might be willing to try if he didn’t know there was a deeper part of Alex that wanted their relationship back, that wanted to hug and kiss and hold hands like he hadn’t torn Tommy’s heart from his chest when he realised it was over and that rare flash of all-consuming a _nger_ had filled his eyes, made Tommy want to curl up and hide like a scared rabbit. Maybe there was some truth to the spirit animal quiz that had once called Alex a wolf. The bared teeth, the furrowed brow and the cold, harsh green of his eyes still sat so vivid in Tommy’s mind, _wolf in sheep’s clothing._

_But don't call me "baby" again  
It's hard for me to go home  
Be so lonely_

It would be easy to completely let go of Alex if Tommy didn’t miss him so much- you don’t just erase that many years of co-dependent friendship, you can’t. Some nights he would put off sleep in favour of trying to pick apart what he missed, but too often the aspects of Alex and Tommy blended into AlexandTommy and he couldn’t find the differences and then Alex is calling and he’s hearing ‘ _baby’_ and Tommy can’t open his mouth for fear of ‘I miss you’ slipping free.

I just hope you see me  
In a little better light

Alex could see it, see that there was something about them going back to normal that made Tommy take pause- something that he couldn’t get past, maybe he lacked faith in Alex to act correctly, or maybe he lacked faith in himself, something wasn’t convincing him to try, to really try. Alex wanted to be a better man for him, wanted to prove he was able to live up to his promises to be a good friend- just a good friend, but most of all he just wanted to be back together- in any definition of the word- even as friends, just friends… no matter how much it made him yearn and long for the other man behind his mask of platonic affection. Just under the surface, always threatening to break free.

Do you think it's easy  
Being of the jealous kind?  
'Cause I miss the shape of your lips

Tommy moved on easy, finding a new group to hang around during those many hours when he used to be with Alex. Sometimes he takes them to do things he and Alex used to do together before Alex went and fucked it up- fucked them up, fucked them up with his feelings and with his strings. No matter how he words it, how much he convinces himself they can be normal! They can return to what they were! He knows, he hasn’t been that stupid for a long time.

Seeing them together in the posts, their smiles, their easy camaraderie, it fills Alex with something hot and uncomfortable, a jealousy that transcends both their friendship and their relationship. He lays awake at night thinking about it- thinking about _him_ , staring up at his ceiling, running it over, wishing to start again, thinking about what they used to do when they hung out, makes his heart ache for it. Then, when he grew tired of telling himself he wanted Tommy as nothing more than a friend he’d think of his smile in those pictures, the way it pulled that bit shorter across his face than what it used to around Alex. He’d think about his mouth then, brain running off in a tangent of the soft pink skin, he’d had a mouth softer than most of the girls and all of the blokes Alex had ever kissed- not that there were many thanks to Tommy. Then he thinks about how rarely Tommy’s lips curl into a smile around him these days unless forced into one by the encouraging laughter of their mutual friends trying to lighten the strain of the history between the two men. He falls asleep out of fear for continuing to think of such a thing, but even then he dreams about it, perhaps this was his penance for lighting the fuse that ended their friendship.

Your wit  
It's just a trick  
And this is it, so I'm sorry

In those rare instances that they talk light-heartedly, banter even, Alex can think of it only as torture. Getting a taste of what used to come so easily between them before Tommy remembers he can’t let himself fall so easily back into history. Can’t let himself fall for that easy playfulness, that warm, sweet conversation that will ultimately leave them both worse for ware for giving in.

Alex knows he’s making it harder for both of them for trying- for continuing to try and try and all he wants to do is grab on and hold, but he knows he’ll always have to let go. Maybe it is easier to forget. Maybe.

_ To be so lonely _   
_ To be so _   
_ To be so lonely _

**Author's Note:**

> CAN I GET A COMMENT AND KUDOS??


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